Tucker Carlson is leaving Fox News. Who will replace him? How about an AI angry white guy.

Rex Huppke, USA TODAY

April 29, 2023 at 12:05 PM·3 min read

Tucker Carlson and Fox News underwent an unexpected fascist uncoupling Monday that left one wide-open question: Who will replace the network’s most popular host and fill the hour he spent each night lying and poisoning viewers’ minds with white nationalist talking points?

As a longtime viewer of Carlson (don’t worry, I always wore a protective tin-foil helmet) and a witness to the immeasurable damage he has wrought, I have several possible answers. So while we await Carlson's next venture, which I assume will either be a presidential run or a podcast with Elon Musk, here are my bets for how he’ll be replaced on Fox News:

Artificial intelligence can easily replace Tucker Carlson

Tucker Carlson as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars in 2006.

An AI-generated male character who takes offensive white-nationalist tropes – such as the racist “great replacement theory” Carlson routinely brought up – and poses them as questions, pretending he’s not embracing those tropes but just being curious. It could still be called “Tucker Carlson Tonight.”

Fox News viewers wouldn’t miss a beat.

How about a liberal show on Fox News: 'What's New in Woke'

A liberal-led nightly primer on all the things Fox News viewers should be panicking about.

I offer myself up as host, for the low salary of $1 million. It would be called “What’s New in Woke, with Rex Huppke” and would swiftly become the network’s most hated and most viewed program.

A few regular segments would include:

"Which beer should you be mad at?"
"Ways America is being made better for people who don't look exactly like you."
"Again with the helping non-rich people!"

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Please pour your fears into this vase of white lilies

A vase of all-white lilies into which viewers can individually pour their baseless fears of a changing America.

This would feature a lovely vase of flowers on a pedestal draped in white linen. The camera would stay on the flowers for the entire hour, with viewers encouraged to ponder all the bias-confirming news they read on Facebook that day. It would be called the Fox News Lily White Grievance Hour.

The Tucker Carlson presidential campaign we all know is coming

One full hour of ads for Carlson’s almost-bound-to-happen GOP presidential primary run. (He’s Donald Trump without the legal problems, Ron DeSantis with communication skills. Why wouldn’t he run?)

A billboard on April 3 near former President Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Fla., quotes Tucker Carlson's private text message, made public in court filings.

One can't get enough of Fox News' Sean Hannity, right?

An exciting new hour-long show called “More Hannity!” that features, as advertised, more of Sean Hannity being angry about things that aren’t true.

There also could be bonus Laura Ingraham content, with an hour-long compliment to "The Ingraham Angle" called "Ingraham's Obtuse Angle." Or additional Mark Levin, with his "Life, Liberty & Levin" show augmented by a nightly hour-long program called "Mark Levin Grows Increasingly Unhinged."

Will Fox stop lying now?: Dominion and Donald Trump put Fox News between a rock and a dumb place

Who needs Tucker when you can have ANGRY WORDS ON A SCREEN!

Sixty minutes of the word “RAGE” in screen-filling, blood-red font. This could also be called “Tucker Carlson Tonight” and would likely satisfy viewers. Occasional special episodes could feature the word “FEAR.”

Tucker Carlson, host of "Tucker Carlson Tonight," poses for photos in a Fox News Channel studio on March 2, 2017, in New York.

And there are other options ...

There are, of course, other options for the network. A show featuring a hyena with some disturbing views on immigration. Clips of old movies featuring only white people. An animated series about Hunter Biden’s laptop.

I’m sure they’ll figure something out. Carlson, perhaps more than any other host, helped the network get its viewers hooked on fear. All Fox News needs to do now is keeping giving them their fix.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

More from Rex Huppke:

Elon Musk is taking away my blue check mark on Twitter. Who am I if not notable?

Would today's GOP try to ban Mister Rogers for being woke? Probably.

Blaming Silicon Valley Bank collapse on diversity or 'wokeness' gives away Republican game

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Tucker Carlson is out at Fox. Who will replace him?

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