George Clarke’s Remarkable Renovations, review: it's like Grand Design on Valium

You have to hand it to the people who appear on property shows: they have vision. Not many would view a derelict slaughterhouse, with its meat hooks and hoists for carcasses still in situ, and think, “Wouldn’t this make a lovely family kitchen with all mod cons!” But Paul and Imogen could, which is why we were watching them on George Clarke’s Remarkable Renovations (Channel 4).

The slaughterhouse was attached to a former pub, blacksmith’s, butcher’s and bakehouse in Framlingham, Suffolk. Some of the rooms lacked floors and walls, but Paul and Imogen were undaunted. Paul was project managing the build on top of his day job as a pig farmer. “I’m curious to know how much time they’ve planned for the renovation,” said Clarke. Never mind that, we’re curious to find out how much they’re going to spend. The answer was £200,000, on top of the £370,000 purchase price, which seemed almost modest when you saw the work involved.

Now, if this were Grand Designs, Paul would be an egomaniac and Imogen would be fantasising about divorce and wondering why she hadn’t married her last boyfriend instead. But Remarkable Renovations doesn’t seem to attract couples on the edge. At times, Clarke seemed almost frustrated by just how calmly they were getting on with things.

“You’ve got your work cut out, you know you have,” said Clarke. “We’ll get there,” replied Paul, not breaking a sweat. “You said you’re moving in in 10 days’ time – how?” demanded Clarke, surveying a room which, to be fair, still looked like a building site. “A little imagination,” smiled Paul. At one point he told Clarke: “What’s the point in getting worried? It’s a waste of energy.”

As this programme doesn’t tend to deal in catastrophe, the renovations are not thrilling to watch, meaning Clarke has to divert attention by showing us other people’s houses or explaining how things are made (here visiting a limestone quarry in Rutland). The bit we’re really waiting for is the big reveal.

And the result was fabulous, a blend of modern and traditional which even had a secret door in the library to access the teenagers’ den (although I’m not sure about the curved steel and glass extension, which looked a bit like the entrance to a Travelodge). Imogen admitted that it had been a bit stressful sometimes. But not Paul. “I loved doing it,” he said. Perhaps he could set up a side business advising Grand Designs contributors how to chill out while not throwing their money down a well.