Funny Christmas Poems That'll Have the Whole Family in Stitches

While the best days of the holidays are sentimental and sweet, the worst ones can be stressful and frustrating. So when the Christmas season hands you a metaphorical lump of coal (also known as the nightmarish mall parking deck), it's so important to take a time out and have a laugh. That's why we looked high and low to find these funny Christmas poems that will help spark a belly laugh (or two). The best part about these holiday rhymes? You never know when they're going to come in handy!

You can share a few when you and your significant other can’t decide on which classic Christmas movie to watch. (They may go over better than the more heartwarming Christmas quotes.) Break the ice with a funny Shel Silverstein poem when you host the in-laws for Christmas dinner. Bust a rhyme when feelings are on the verge of getting hurt during the annual family Christmas games marathon. And you can even pair these poems with Christmas puns or wonderful Merry Christmas wishes in your cards for loved ones. You can even use one of these best Christmas poems for one of your unique Christmas Instagram captions too. By the time January 1 rolls around, you may be inspired to draft your own original Christmas poetry for next year!

Santa needs new reindeer.
The first bunch has grown old.
Dasher has arthritis;
Comet hates the cold.
Prancer's sick of staring
at Dancer's big behind.
Cupid married Blitzen
and Donder lost his mind.
Dancer's mad at Vixen
for stepping on his toes.
Vixen's being thrown out—
she laughed at Rudolph's nose.
If you are a reindeer
we hope you will apply.
There is just one tricky part:
You must know how to fly.
- Timothy Tocher

Be nice to yu turkeys
dis christmas
Cos’ turkeys just wanna hav fun
Turkeys are cool, turkeys
are wicked
An every turkey has a Mum.
Be nice to yu turkeys
dis christmas,
Don’t eat it, keep it alive,
It could be yu mate, an not on
yu plate
Say, Yo! Turkey I’m
on your side.
- Benjamin Zephaniah

I strung the lights on the Christmas tree,
And gingerly plugged them in.
That's when I noticed a bulb was out,
And my troubles did begin.

I found my box of spare bulbs
In my top workshop drawer.
I quickly changed the bulb,
But then out went two more.

I got two more replacements,
And carefully plugged them in.
Then I gathered all the burnt out bulbs,
And tossed them into the trash bin.

As I walked back to the tree,
The whole string started to blink.
Now this wasn't a twinkle light set,
And my stomach began to sink.

Suddenly I heard a sizzle,
And then I heard a pop.
Then everything went so silent,
You could have heard a pin drop.

The whole darn string just died.
Not one single bulb remained lit.
So the tree will just have to stay dark this year,
Because this light stringer just quit.
- Kelly Roper

A chubby little snowman
had a carrot nose.
Along came a bunny,
and what do you suppose?
That hungry little bunny,
looking for some lunch,
Grabbed that snowman’s nose,
Nibble, nibble, crunch

-Anonymous

I made myself a snowball,
As perfect as could be,
I thought I’d keep it as a pet,
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas,
And a pillow for its head,
Then last night it ran away,
But first—it wet the bed!

-Shel Silverstein

For your Christmas presents,
I thank you one and all.
For the big ones many thanks,
And fewer for the small.

-William Church

The funniest face
looked out at me
From a silver ball
On the Christmas Tree!
At first I thought
It was Santa’s elf,
But I looked again and
It was just myself!

-Anonymous

If Christmas is to children
What my job is to me,
Does that mean I should go to my boss
And sit upon his knee?

-Anonymous

Tonight’s my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
While I’m guardin’ the stockin’s and tree.

-Shel Silverstein

Once there was a snowman,
Who stood outside the door,
He wished that he could come inside,
And run about the floor.
He wished that he could warm himself,
Beside the fire, so red,
He wished that he could climb
Upon the big white bed.

So he called to the North Wind,
“Come and help me, pray,
For I’m completely frozen,
Standing here all day.”
So the North Wind came along,
And blew him in the door,
And now there nothing left,
But a puddle on the floor!

-Anonymous

We have been helping with the cake,
And licking out the pan,
And wrapping up our packages,
As neatly as we can.
We have hung our stockings up,
Beside the open grate.
And now there’s nothing more to do,

Except To Wait.

-Anonymous

What’s that now—footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who’s this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard—
And a big sack for robbin’ the house?
I’m barkin’, I’m growlin’, I’m bitin’ his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air.
I’ve frightened the whole bunch away.
Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again.
The stockin’s are safe as can be.
Won’t the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow
And see how I’ve guarded the tree.

-Shel Silverstein

Oh fruitcake, oh fruitcake,
Why are you heavy like a rock?
And why do people keep sending you to me?
I really wish they would stop.

Your texture is like rubber,
And your fruit is chewy like gum.
I think no one would give you as a gift,
If they'd ever eaten some.

I've tried re-gifting you,
But you just keep coming back.
If I have to look at you one more time,
I think my mind will crack.

I really hate to be wasteful,
And I don't like to act rash,
But I can't take it anymore,
You're going into the trash!

-Kelly Roper

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know”
But if I should run out of the white
I will gladly drink the red though.

-Paul Curtis

I took a lick
Of a peppermint stick
And oh it tasted yummy!
It used to be
On the Christmas tree
But now it’s in my tummy!

-Anonymous

The Christmas lights went out-
The ones Dad just suspended.
He took all day to hang them,
But their gleaming's promptly ended.
I wonder how he'll take it
When he steps out in the snow
To marvel at his handiwork
But find he's missed the show.
The Christmas lights went out,
And all's dark on our lawn—
One fleeting, fizzling moment
And his masterpiece is gone.
I think I'll step inside now
To avoid how he reacts
When he finds one broken bulb
In the middle of my tracks.

-Anonymous

1. You believe in Santa Claus.

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3. You are Santa Claus.

4. You look like Santa Claus.

-Anonymous

Holiday time is for feasting;
We look forward to each treat.
The tables are full of our favorite foods;
We’ve got lots of good things to eat.

We scarf marshmallowed sweet potatoes;
There’s cider and eggnog to slurp.
There’s so much going down at once,
Who can help an occasional burp?

Here’s the turkey, dressing and gravy;
Let’s all get down to chewing it,
And if we pass a little gas,
Who’ll notice? Everyone’s doing it.

Dessert is three kinds of pie;
Then pass the box of candy.
Next year will you please remind us
To have Alka-Seltzer handy!

-Joanna Fuchs

A BB gun.
A model plane.
A basketball.
A ’lectric train.
A bicycle.
A cowboy hat.
A comic book.
A baseball bat.
A deck of cards.
A science kit.
A racing car.
A catcher’s mitt.
So that’s my list
of everything
that Santa Claus
forgot to bring.

-Kenn Nesbitt

Christmas day,
Christmas day,
Outta my way,
It’s Christmas day!
It’s 5 AM
And I’m wide awake,
Get outta my way
For goodness sake!
The presents are here
And under the tree!
My sister is screaming
Like a banshee!
With red puffy eyes,
We dig into our gifts,
Hoping to find
The stuff from our list.
My parents are smiling
And standing afar
With hot cups of coffee…
Hey I got a guitar!

-Sterling Bradford, Noah Child & Marcus Emerson

The first snowflake fell today
And with any luck, more will follow.
Billions and trillions of snowflakes would mean
They’d have to cancel school tomorrow.

-Sterling Bradford, Noah Child & Marcus Emerson

“When what to my wondering eyes should appear…
But 10 extra pounds on
Hips, Thighs, and Rear!”

- Anonymous