100 Absolutely Perfect Jokes From "The Office," "New Girl," And "Friends"

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January 23, 2022 at 8:15 PM·7 min read

1.Friends: Joey's attempt to help Ross talk about something uncomfortable.

Ross says, "Do you have a minute, I'd like to talk to you about something I'm really uncomfortable talking about," Joey says, "Sure, how about, uh, you showering with your mom," and Ross says, "I actually had a topic in mind" — This may be my favorite *Friends* joke of all time.
Warner Bros.

2.New Girl: the lives of Schmidt's other friends.

Nick says, He called an oven an oves, he calls an airport airp, last month he went to a party called Bros Before Hoes on the Moon, and the dress code was yacht flair, Winston says, Schmidt has a friend who changed his middle name to one word, Doinit — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

3.The Office: when Kelly explains her professional growth in her interview to become the new manager.

Kelly says, Well, I manage my department, and I’ve been doing that for several years now, and, god, I’ve learned a lot of life lessons along the way, Jim says, Your department’s just you, right, and Kelly says, Yes Jim, but I am not easy to manage — NBC

4.Friends: Phoebe's sorority.

Melissa says, Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority, and Phoebe says, Of course, yeah, I was, uh, um, Thi Mega Tampon — Warner Bros.

5.New Girl: the jerk Jess went on a date with.

Jess says, First of all, he's a street artist, second of all, he called a scotch on the rocks a sco ro, he has a tattoo that just says Warrior Poet, He tipped the waiter with a sketch of a hip hop mouse — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

6.The Office: Tube City.

7.Friends: Chandler's baby proposition to Monica.

Chandler says, When we're 40, if neither of us are married, why don't you and I have one, Monica says, Why won't I be married when I'm 40, Chandler says, No, I meant hypothetically, and Monica says, Okay, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40 — Warner Bros.

8.New Girl: the names of Nick's testicles.

Winston says, You've named your testicles, and they're both named Sharon, and Nick says, Yeah, so what — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

9.The Office: when Pam and Jim bring wine for the dinner party.

Pam hands Jan some vine and says, "We got you this," Michael says, "Oh, vino," and Jan says, "Oh, well Pam, thank you, that's so nice, this will be great to cook with" — NBC

10.Friends: what Joey would do if he were omnipotent for a day.

Joey says, "Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live, you know," Ross says, "Joey, OMnipotent," and Joey asks, "You are" — Warner Bros.

11.New Girl: when Winston tries to make small talk with Sgt. Dorado.

Winston asks, "Fun Saturday," Dorado says, "No, my bird died," Winston says, "Well, my mom used to say, when a bird dies, he gets another set of wings in heaven, so," and Dorado says, "Well, that bird was going straight to hell" — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

12.The Office: when Jim and Dwight throw Kelly a birthday party.

Jim says, What is that and points to a banner that reads, It is your birthday, and Dwight says, It's a statement of fact — NBC

13.Friends: the side salad.

Rachel says, Okay, I will have the side salad, the server says, And what would that be on the side of, and Rachel says, I don't know, why don't you just put it right here next to my water — Warner Bros.

14.New Girl: the loft mousetrap.

In reference to a doll holding a hammer on the floor, Jess says, Yeah, he's not fooling anyone, You think just cause he's a snappy dresser the mice don't see the hammer, Mice come from all over the building to laugh at that dummy witch — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

15.The Office: when everyone unpacks 'who vs. whom.'

Stanley asks, How did Ryan use it, as an object, Ryan says, As an object and Kelly says, Ryan used me as an object — NBC

16.Friends: Chandler's compliment after accidentally seeing Rachel topless.

Chandler says, You know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies, and Rachel says, Nice, they were nice, I mean, that's it, I mean, mittens are nice — Warner Bros.

17.New Girl: the fact that the song that gets Nick pumped is "Cotton-Eyed Joe."

In a car, Nick fist bumps and mimes the fiddle in Cotton-Eyed Joe, and Jess says, Why did you need me for this, Nick — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

18.The Office: when Creed will not let anyone mess with him after the office is broken into.

Creed says, Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it, the last person to do this disappeared, his name, Creed Bratton — NBC

19.Friends: Rachel's favorite movie.

Ross says, Rachel claims this is her favorite movie, Chandler says, Dangerous Liaisons, Ross says, Correct, her actual favorite movie is, Joey says, Weekend at Bernie's, and Ross says, Correct — Warner Bros.

20.New Girl: the drumroll.

Schmidt says, Ladies and gentlemen, drumroll, please, Nick and Jess do a tom-tom and a cymbal, Schmidt says, Cut, cut, Nick, snare drum, I shouldn't have to specify, Jess, that was a cymbal, and Jess says, Cymbals are part of the drum kit — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

21.The Office: When Gabe is smooth as hell.

Toby asks, Do you know her last name yet, Gabe says, Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow, because she's gonna be screaming it tonight, and Toby asks, She's gonna be screaming her own last name — NBC

22.Friends: Phoebe's tiny dot of a tattoo.

Rachel says, He barely touched her with the needle, she screamed and that was it, and Phoebe says, For your information, this is what I wanted, a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great, great distance, it's the way my mother sees me from heaven — Warner Bros.

23.New Girl: Jess's response when Nick calls her a gold digger.

Jess says, If I were a gold digger, do you think I'd be interested in you, I would be the worst gold digger in the world — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

24.The Office: when Jim learns Dwight's date to the dinner party used to be Dwight's babysitter.

Jim says, Would you write down your email because I have just so many questions, Dwight's babysitter date asks, Email, and Jim says, Never mind — NBC

25.Friends: Monica and Chandler trying to secretly hook up at Ross's wedding.

26.New Girl: Cece's flawless diss.

Cece says to Jess, Did you wash your hair, it looks really clean, and all of the women around gasp, including Jess — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

27.The Office: when Michael shows his knowledge of food and drink at Phyllis's wedding.

Michael says, "I know a fair amount about fine food and drink," then he sniffs his white wine and says, "This is a white" — NBC

28.Friends: when Joey wants to see the comics.

Chandler's reading a newspaper and Joey says, Can I see the comics, Chandler says, This is the New York Times, and Joey says, Okay, may I see the comics — Warner Brothers

29.New Girl: "It was a Thursday."

Coach says, You've never been turned on by gas mileage before, Winton says, Once, Schmidt asks, When was that, Winston says, It was a Thursday, that's all I remember, Schmidt asks, A Thursday, Winston says, Yeah, and Schmidt glares at him — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

30.The Office: when Pam wins the Whitest Sneakers Dundie.

Pam says, Finally, I want to thank God, because God gave me this Dundie, and I feel God in this Chili's tonight — NBC

31.Friends: Rachel's impeccable takedown.

Chandler says, "Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women," and Rachel says, "Uh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women" — Warner Bros.

32.New Girl: what Jess thinks is a drug movie.

Cece walks in on Jess putting meth down the shower drain and says, Jessica, what are you doing, you do not put drugs down the shower drain, have you never seen a drug movie before, and Jess says, I don't know, I saw Ray — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

33.The Office: when Creed kind of creates a language.

Creed says, Find out what language this is and then makes unintelligible noises — NBC

34.Friends: when Phoebe gives Rachel her old maternity pants.

Phoebe says, "See how they expand as the baby grows, and then, after the baby's born, they're great for shoplifting melons" — Warner Bros.

35.New Girl: Schmidt's drunk attempt at spelling his name.

Schmidt says, I can never write my vows right now, I can barely even spell my own name, S, Jeans, is that right, is jeans not a letter, it feels like a letter to me and then he says, Jeans isn’t a letter, jeans is pants — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

36.The Office: when Kelly has an emergency.

Meredith says, I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding, Kelly says, I know, but there was an emergency, and then, in a talking head, she says, I look really good in white — NBC

37.Friends: Joey's Joey's Apple.

Chandler says, Would you put that back on, Monica's gonna be here any minute, Joey says, But it hurts my Joey's Apple, and Chandler says, Okay, for the last time, it's not named after each individual man — Warner Bros.

38.New Girl: Nick's cookie meltdown.

Nick says, You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie, you gave me a cookie, gave you cookie, gave me cookie, got you cookie, you gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man, gave me cookie, got you cookie — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

39.The Office: when Pam reacts to Michael telling her he thinks Jan might be trying to poison him at the dinner party.

Pam says, "I know Jan didn't poison the food, I know that, but, if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table, wouldn't it be me, Michael's former lover" — NBC

40.New Girl: Jess's type.

Jess says, You know me, I'm only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

41.Friends: the date plans.

Phoebe says, "Should we say around seven," Chandler says, "...Yes," and Phoebe says, "Good, I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse" — Warner Bros.

42.New Girl: when Winston goes through places he's been dumped.

Winston says, I've been broken up with so many times in many different places, multiple parks, coffee shops, Santa's lap, kitchen stadium on Iron Chef, airplanes, in economy, economy select, economy comfort, platinum economy, while covered in butterflies — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

43.The Office: when Michael plays Jeopardy after hitting Meredith with his car in the parking lot.

Michael says, "Yes, it was on company property, with company property, so, double jeopardy, we are fine," Ryan says, "I don't—I don't think you understand how Jeopardy works," and Michael says, "Oh, right, I'm sorry, what is we're fine" — NBC

44.Friends: when Emma is late and Rachel is so done being pregnant.

Rachel says, I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life, Phoebe says, I know, I've been there, I remember toward the end, and Rachel cuts her off to say, Phoebe, that's a great story, could you tell it to me while you're getting me some iced tea — Warner Bros.

45.New Girl: Schmidt's reaction to a spider in the loft.

Schmidt is standing on a table holding the light fixture and says, There it is, it's right there, it's licking its lips — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

46.The Office: when Creed misunderstands what happens with a jinx.

Robert California and Creed both ask, How old, and Creed says, Jinx, buy me some coke — NBC

47.Friends: Joey's way to remember what day Thursday is.

Joey says, "Monday, one day, Tuesday, two day, Wednesday, when, huh, what day, Thursday, the third day" — Warner Bros.

48.New Girl: Jess going off the grid.

Jess says, I'm so far off the grid that everybody's all, she's off the grid, and then I'm all, I don't play by your rules, I can drink at 11, A M — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

49.The Office: when Kelly discusses death after hearing about Kevin's possible skin cancer diagnosis.

Kelly says, I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died, that was the saddest funeral ever, that and my sister’s — NBC

50.Friends: when Rachel destroys Ross with the part of his "con list" that says she has chubby ankles.

Rachel says, "Is that him again, tell him I'd come to the phone but my ankles are weighing me down" — Warner Bros.

51.New Girl: the love scene in the novel Fred Armisen's character is writing.

Schmidt reacts to the following words Fred Armisen's character reads, As his electric car powered down, he saw her virgin breasts glowing in the Alabama light, she said, Which to see, left or right, I said, Left, She showed him, it was big like a Cadillac — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

52.The Office: when Michael describes his wine.

Michael says about the wine, "That has sort of an oaky afterbirth," and Jim says, "What was that" — NBC

53.Friends: the knife in Rachel's back.

Monica says, I feel terrible. I really do, and Rachel says, Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife — Warner Bros.

54.New Girl: Prank Sinatra's CV.

Jess says, Every prank you do turns out either too big, flashback Nick says, Did you register me as a sex offender, Jess says, Or too small, flashback Schmidt's eating cereal and says, How'd this blueberry get in here, and Winston starts cackling — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

55.The Office: when Michael writes a great quote in the Michael Scott Paper Company office.

On a white board, it says, "'You miss 100% of the shots you don't take —Wayne Gretkzy' — Michael Scott" — NBC

56.Friends: how often Joey is sexually active.

Chandler asks, You've had a lot of sex, right, and Joey says, When, today, some, not a lot — Warner Bros.

57.New Girl: when Sgt. Dorado prefaces her questioning while Jess's bra is stuffed with "meth."

Jess's bra is stuffed and Dorado says, "I will ask questions, you will ask no questions, in exchange I will offer up three personal facts, I was born in St. Louis, I have three brothers, two of whom were killed in separate plane crashes, and I like music" — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

58.The Office: when Creed has some sort of plan with Pam and Michael's old chairs.

Creed says, When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair, then I’ll have two chairs, only one to go — NBC

59.Friends: Phoebe's attraction to Monica and Ross's dad.

Phoebe says to Rachel about Jack, "OK, look at him, look at those strong hands, oh, what I wouldn't give to be that can of...condensed milk" — Warner Bros.

60.New Girl: Winston is sitting closer than Nick.

An old man says to Nick, Looks like you got old-man back, welcome to the club, and Nick says, Looks like a cool club, then he says to Winston Ugh, you hear that, and Winston says, Yeah, I'm sitting closer than you — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

61.The Office: when Michael mentions a famous Spanish city.

Jan says, "You know Pam, in Spain, they often don't even start eating until midnight," and Michael says, "When in Rome" — NBC

62.Friends: Monica's biggest pet peeve.

Ross asks, What is Monica's biggest pet peeve, Joey says, Animals dressed as humans, and Ross says, That's correct — Warner Bros.

63.New Girl: Jess's effort to comfort Cece when Cece is freaking out about how she's never seen her fiancé's genitals.

Jess says, If he's using it right, no one's seeing his penis — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

64.The Office: when Jan isn't in a place to chat at David Wallace's party.

Karen says, Hey, Jan, and Jan replies, Not too good — NBC

65.Friends: Rachel's reaction to her first paycheck.

Rachel says, Who's FICA, Why is he getting all my money — Warner Bros.

66.New Girl: the Julius Pepperwood disguise.

Nick, as Julius Pepperwood, says, How you guys doing, I'm Julius Pepperwood, I'm an ex-cop, ex-Marine, I'm here to learn how to write short fiction, I'm from Chicago, Thin crust pizza, No, thank you, I'm from Chicago — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

67.The Office: when Kelly is furious at Ryan when he returns to Scranton after dumping her.

Ryan says, Do you have a question, Kelly, and Kelly says, Yeah, I have a lot of questions, number one how dare you — NBC

68.New Girl: Jess's response to Schmidt's fish tank.

Jess asks, Schmidt, an aquarium, when did you become a Bond villain that couldn't afford not to live with roommates — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

69.Friends: When Joey is on Pyramid.

The word is cream, Joey's partner says, "It's white" and Joey says, "Paper, snow, a ghost" — Warner Bros.

70.New Girl: Bridgette Wilson-Sampras.

Schmidt says, I'm the Bridgette Wilson-Sampras here, Cece says, Who, Reagan says, I don't know, Schmidt says, Oh, I suppose you're both too cool to have seen THE WEDDING PLANNER, and then Winston says, Well, I've seen it — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

71.The Office: when Michael eats fettuccine Alfredo right before running a 5K.

Michael says, Time to carbo load and takes a huge bite of his full fettuccine alfredo meal — NBC

72.Friends: why Phoebe can't help.

Joey says, Hey Pheebs, you wanna help, and Phoebe says, Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to — Warner Bros.

73.New Girl: the cherries.

Nick says, Jess, have you seen, uh, uh, cherries, and Jess says, I'm so confused by your question that I'm just gonna answer it, uh, directly, Yes, I've seen them — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

74.The Office: when Dwight makes a case for the letter 'R.'

Dwight says, R is among the most menacing of sounds, that's why they call it murder and not mukduk — NBC

75.Friends: Monica's stress around catering Carol and Susan's wedding.

Monica asks, So we're back on, Carol says, We're back on, and Monica says, You heard the woman, PEEL, CHOP, DEVIL — Warner Bros.

76.New Girl: the mashed potatoes.

Reagan asks, Is that a bowl of mashed potatoes under your bed, and Winston says, May god help us if it's not — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

77.The Office: when Ryan declares his love for Kelly after she gets a great new boyfriend.

Ryan says, I know that I haven't always treated you the way that you, for whatever reason, feel you deserve to be treated — NBC

78.Friends: Joey's song for his identical hand twin.

Joey says, "And I wrote a song for us, this hand is your hand, this hand is my hand, oh wait that's your hand, no wait it's my hand" — Warner Bros.

79.New Girl: Cece's former flame.

Jess says, "I'm gonna call Cece, she knows about this stuff, she lived one summer in Milan with a guy named 'Crystal Randy'" — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

80.The Office: when the dinner party gets very tense, so Pam offers to get more wine in the kitchen.

Jan says, "In fact, you know what, girls' trip, Angela, come on, girls' trip" — I say, "Girls' trip, Angela — come on," whenever I walk anywhere with anyone.
NBC

81.Friends: when Monica invites Richard's son to Thanksgiving as a quasi-date.

Monica says, "Why is it sick," and Rachel says, "Because it's Richard's son, it's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner" — Warner Brothers

82.New Girl: one of the meanest things anyone has ever said to Nick.

Reagan says, "I hope that the Chicago Cubs win the World Series while you're in a coma," and Nick says, "That's one of the meanest things anybody has ever said to me" — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

83.The Office: when Kelly explains her pro-cupcake stance.

Kelly says, I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake — NBC

84.Friends: Chandler not crying at Bambi.

Joey asks, You didn't cry when Bambi's mother died, and Chandler says, Yes, it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer — Warner Bros.

85.New Girl: Schmidt's declaration at his "re-branding event" (party), which he throws to celebrate the fact that his penis is no longer broken.

Schmidt is dancing and says, Yes, my penis is working — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

86.The Office: when Nellie wants to be friends with Darryl and get tacos.

Nellie says, For two tacos, we probably need about, what, $20, or, and Darryl looks at her — NBC

87.Friends: when Joey hears that Phoebe knows about Monica and Chandler.

Rachel says, "Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler," then Joey asks, "You mean how they're friends and nothing more," before glaring at Rachel — Warner Bros.

88.New Girl: the 10-minute joke about squirrels.

Jess says, Bearclaw just told me a 10 minute joke about squirrels with the punchline, Eat these nuts — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

89.The Office: when Creed just wants to scuba.

Creed says, If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about, what am I working toward — NBC

90.Friends: Rachel's joy.

Rachel says, I mean, isn't that just kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck fantastic — Warner Bros.

91.New Girl: everything about Nick's sauce.

Winston asks, You put bologna in your Bolognese, and Nick says, Where else would it get its name, trick question, it gets it from the mayonnaise — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

92.Friends: "My eyes!"

Phoebe sees Monica and Chandler in the window and says, "Hey you guys," they start hooking up and Phoebe screams, Rachel asks, 'What," Phoebe says, "Chandler and Monica, Chandler and MONICA," Rachel says, "Oh my god," and Phoebe says, "My eyes, my eyes" — Warner Bros.

93.New Girl: the balloon animal skills.

Jess says, I'm great at parties, I can make any kind of balloon animal, as long as it's a worm or a snake — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

94.The Office: when the Michael Scott Paper Company has the upper hand in a negotiation.

Michael says, "Well, well, well, how the turntables" — NBC

95.Friends: "I grow it myself."

While she's cutting Chandler's hair, Kathy says You have really great hair, and Chandler says, Well thanks, I grow it myself — Warner Bros.

96.New Girl: the yardstick.

Aly says, I'm not gonna be the yardstick in a penis measuring contest, Nick says, Did you say yard, and Winston says, Wow, who are you dating — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

97.The Office: when Jim can't keep up with his own lie.

Jim says, Oh, my apartment's on fire, Pam says, Flooded, and Jim says, Flooded — NBC

98.Friends: when Monica is drunk at her surprise 30th birthday party.

Monica says, I'm drunk, that's right, mom and dad, your little harmomica is hammered — Warner Bros.

99.New Girl: Schmidt's reaction to hearing about a break-in at his daughter's preschool.

A child says, A white man broke in today, Schmidt says, A white man, no, well, what did security do about it, the child says, Nothing, and Schmidt yells, Typical — Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

100.And The Office: Michael isn't superstitious.

Michael says, "I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious" — NBC

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Hundreds of truckloads of aid have entered Gaza since the Israel-Hamas ceasefire began last weekend, but its distribution inside the devastated territory remains an enormous challenge.The needs are enormous, though, particularly in the north, and it may take longer for the aid surge to have an impact in all parts of the territory.
AFP
The four Israeli women hostages to be freed on Saturday
Four young women soldiers, abducted by Palestinian militants on October 7, 2023 while serving near the Gaza border, are set to be released on Saturday, according to a list provided by Hamas as part of its ceasefire agreement with Israel.Three other women soldiers were taken hostage with them: Agam Berger, who is still held in Gaza and presumed alive; Noa Marciano, whose body has since been repatriated to Israel; and Ori Megidish, who was freed alive by the Israeli military in late October 2023.
Associated Press
Connecticut to award $5.9 million to family of wrongfully imprisoned disabled man
More than four years after his death, Richard Lapointe's family is set to receive a nearly $5.9 million award from Connecticut for his wrongful, quarter-century imprisonment that ended in 2015 when his murder conviction was overturned in the rape and killing of his wife's 88-year-old grandmother. Lapointe's case became a cause celebre, receiving widespread publicity from advocates for the disabled and celebrities, including writers Arthur Miller and William Styron, who called for his release. The award by the state claims commissioner's office, which now moves to the legislature for approval, was issued Jan. 2 after years of legal battles between Lapointe's lawyers and the state attorney general's office.